Mistake #1 But I Love You So Much
After a break up, many people will try to repair the relationship by repeatedly telling their ex how much they love them:
* "We can't break up... I love you!"
* "If you knew how much I loved you, you wouldn't leave."
* "I love you. If you leave me I'll be miserable."
Perhaps because of messages we get from society, some of us are under the impression that "love conquers all" so our love should be enough to save our relationship.
The unfortunate fact is that loving relationships often don't work. Your love for your ex, in itself, is not enough to bring you back together.
For the relationship to have a chance your ex needs to love you too.But even that isn't enough - they need to love you the right way. To keep things simple I'll generalize love into two categories:
# 1. This is the "I-care-about-you" love
This is the platonic love you may feel for a close friend or a family member.
This love may involve such feelings as sympathy or pity and it is not romantic, sexual, or involve any kind of attraction.
A couple who has only this type of love for each other is probably on the verge of a break up or settling for security reasons.
# 2. Then there is "I-need-to-be-with-you" love. This love involves attraction, desire, and excitement.
This is the romantic, passionate love that brings people together, keeps them together, and brings them back together after a breakup.
When two people have this type of love for each other they are willing to work on the relationship instead of leaving it.
And here in lies the solution and the challenge... rekindling "I-need-to-be-with-you" love in your ex.
It's extremely difficult because you can't force your ex to have these feelings for you.
In fact, the harder you try to force it, the less likely they are to feel this way (this is what I call the paradox of attraction)!
Your role in recreating this feeling in your ex has to be more indirect. That isn't to say that you have no control. In many ways your ex is only reacting to you.
You can influence how they react by controlling how you present yourself and what you say.
There are very specific things that you can do to improve your chances of getting back your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend.
Repeatedly telling your ex that you love them is definitely not one of them.
Mistake 2: Looking for sympathy
When you first met your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, do you think they were attracted to you because you were depressed?
Did you strive to be unhappy around them? Did they respect you because of your self pity and broken spirit?
It's unlikely because these are not the qualities or behaviors that people find attractive in a potential girlfriend or boyfriend.
We find the exact opposite attractive... strong, upbeat, friendly, and motivated people are one's that we want to be with in a romantic relationship.
But, in an anguished post break up mental state, we somehow convince ourselves that if we can make our ex feel sorry enough for us they will want to get back together.
So, we may act sullen and depressed... wallowing (as dramatically as possible) in our self pity.
Or, we may act out - getting very upset and behaving in ways we normally wouldn't- (often doing stupid things we regret later) hoping that our ex will realize just how much pain the break up is causing us and how hard it is for us to live without them.
Basically, we do the opposite of what brought us together with our girlfriend or boyfriend in the first place!
While we should be making ourselves more attractive, instead, we pour all our energy into making ourselves unattractive.
If you take a step back and look at what is really happening, it's easy to see that this isn't at all logical or productive.
Not only do these self-destructive acts negatively impact your life, it hurts your chances of ever getting them back.
The more ridiculous you act, the more sure they become they made the right decision by leaving you.
We turn to desperate and counter productive approaches like this when we feel we have no solid plan, viable alternatives, or available options.
For those who are willing to set their self pity aside there is a better way of getting back an ex. Refuse to sink into negative feelings and behaviors.
Depression and self pity aren't helping you get back with your ex, achieve your goals, or create the life you want.
